A lot has been happening lately. A little over a week ago Devan and I had the opportunity to attend a marriage seminar put on by the military in Park City. It was a wonderful weekend! We both learned a lot, had tons of fun getting to know each other even better (sometimes I wonder how that’s even possible), and enjoyed the cooler weather and beautiful fall colors of Park City.
A few days later my youngest brother left to serve a two year mission in Peru.
The past few weeks have been filled with family time and lots of spiritual reflection. In addition to that, my church has a semi-annual general conference –the session for adult women was this past Saturday night and the sessions for the entire church membership (and anyone else who wants to watch or listen) are this coming Saturday and Sunday. During general conference we have the opportunity of listening to our prophet and apostles and other church leaders give us spiritual guidance. I have always loved conference and this year is no exception. I’ve been in kind of a “blah” state recently so I’ve definitely needed all this spiritual enlightenment that I’ve been able to get recently.
As I’ve been reflecting on my life and my attitude towards life a talk given by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf at last year’s General Relief Society Conference keeps popping into my head. His talk was titled “Forget Me Not” and if you haven’t read it I definitely recommend it. He talks about the Forget-Me-Not flower and likens the five petals to five things that we would be wise never to forget. The third thing he talks about is the one that kept popping into my head –forget not to be happy now.
He says “In the beloved children’s story Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the mysterious candy maker Willy Wonka hides a golden ticket in five of his candy bars and announces that whoever finds one of the tickets wins a tour of his factory and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Written on each golden ticket is this message: “Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket…! Tremendous things are in store for you! Many wonderful surprises await you! …Mystic and marvelous surprises…will…delight, …astonish, and perplex you.” In this classic children’s story, people all over the world desperately yearn to find a golden ticket. Some feel that their entire future happiness depends on whether or not a golden ticket falls into their hands. In their anxiousness, people begin to forget the simple joy they used to find in a candy bar. The candy bar itself becomes an utter disappointment if it does not contain a golden ticket.”
He then likens the golden ticket to hopes and dreams we may have that we believe hold the key to our happiness. Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to achieve your dreams, especially when it’s a righteous desire like finding a companion to spend eternity, becoming a mother or father, being able to support your family well enough to live free of stress and worry. “The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event –our golden ticket –to appear.”
As I thought about his words I realized that I’ve been waiting for my golden ticket and because of that I’ve been failing to enjoy the wonderful things in life that I already have. Happiness is a choice. No one has the power to make me happy or unhappy unless I allow them to. I can have happiness in pretty much any situation in my life depending on my perspective of things. Recently, this has been my perspective of my life. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mom but for unknown reasons, that has been impossible so far. Instead I’m stuck working at a job I don’t really like and working for free at my family’s bakery after I get off work and giving up every Saturday as well for the bakery. There are just not enough hours in my day –I need to clean my house, cook wholesome meals, exercise, spend quality time with my husband, get a decent amount of sleep each night, among other things –and basically I can pick two of those things each day (sometimes only one) and I don’t have time for the rest. All of this results in me being exhausted, ornery, and generally dissatisfied with my life.
As I’ve begun to shift my perspective I’ve noticed how many blessings I actually have. It’s true that I’m not a mom yet and that will always bring me sadness until it happens but I have the most wonderful husband ever! He loves me so much and supports me in everything I choose to do. Many couples who deal with infertility have had relationship struggles because of it but we haven’t. Our marriage is stronger than ever.
It’s true that I don’t like my job but the biggest reason I don’t like it is because I resent being here when I’ve always planned to be a stay-at-home mom and homemaker by this time in my life. In reality I work for a great company with good values and I’ve been treated very well. The family bakery is a pain sometimes but it’s actually quite a blessing as well. I’m gluten free and I always have delicious gluten free bread available when I want it. Also, I get to spend tons of time with my awesome family! And as far as not having enough hours in the day –no one really does. I can be happy and satisfied with the tasks that I am able to get done and with better planning I can make sure that all the tasks get done at least some of the time. And Chelsea (my sister-in-law who lives with us) does the dishes so that is a huge blessing! In addition to all of this I am blessed to have a house and great friends and amazing in-laws!
So, I will definitely keep striving towards motherhood but I will make much more of an effort to remember all of the good things in life that I already have rather than dwelling only on what I don’t have yet. And if you have a golden ticket you’re looking for I challenge you to evaluate your life and take note of all the blessings you have so you can be happy even if you haven’t found your golden ticket.