This past week has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. All my life I have wanted to be a mom of 6-8 kids but my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 5 years now with no luck. It has been difficult, but most of the time I’m ok. I’ve accepted the fact that my life isn’t going to turn out the way I’d always envisioned it. I know that God loves me and has a different plan for me and I have faith that it will be better for me in the long run than any plan I could come up with on my own. But every once in a while someone will say something or I’ll see something that reminds me of the life I wish I was living and I can’t stop the tears from flowing. But the tears eventually stop and I’m ok again and I realize what a wonderful life I do have. I have an amazing husband who absolutely adores me and I have a wonderful family including 16 nieces and nephews who love us both -they like Devan better, but who doesn’t? 🙂
But no matter how accepting I am of the direction my life is going, it still hurts my heart whenever that time of the month comes and I know for sure that I’m not pregnant. But it didn’t come this time and I started to experience things that could be considered pregnancy symptoms. Of course I was excited but I still didn’t know for sure and I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed once again. And then the worst happened. I’ve always said that as hard as it is to not be able to get pregnant, I’d prefer that over having a miscarriage. And now I know what that’s like too.
My emotions have been all over the place. Sometimes I feel despair thinking that this might have been my only chance. Other times I wonder why this had to happen to me -it’s hard enough dealing with infertility, why do I have to be blessed with a pregnancy only to have the baby taken away from me? There are times I feel guilty for feeling as bad as I do because others have more difficult trials and times I feel guilty for not feeling worse about it. And then sometimes I feel full of hope -maybe this means that it’s possible for me to get pregnant and it will happen again someday.
There’s a hymn that I absolutely love that has helped me make it through many trials. How Firm a Foundation has seven verses and a different verse is my favorite depending on what I’m going through. Right now verse four has special meaning to me.
“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.”
No matter how I’m feeling, I am so grateful for the peace that comes when I pray and ask the Lord for help. He knows exactly what I’m going through and He can and will and does help me. I don’t know what His plan is or what His timing is like for me but I want to trust Him because I feel so much better when I do.
Thanks for reading! It’s kind of an awkward thing to talk about but I don’t like to bottle up my emotions until I’m ready to explode. I used to do that all the time and it was awful! It is therapeutic for me to talk things out so that I can understand my own thoughts and feelings better. And with topics like this it is so much easier to write about than talk about because it’s too hard to talk about it without crying.