My Birth Story: Baby Darius

Tags

c-section, preeclampsia, pregnancy

Now that Darius is more than a month old, I’m finally ready to talk about this. It was quite a traumatic experience for me and I’ve had a hard time dealing with it, but I know that sharing my story always helps me make sense of my own feelings. It’ll probably be quite long so I’ll understand if no one wants to read the whole thing. The sharing alone helps me whether or not anyone actually reads it. 🙂

I have been trying to have a baby for 7 years, so I have had plenty of time to plan the perfect birth. I had visions of a peaceful water birth at a birthing center with my midwife team and my husband there to support me. I’d be able to bring my baby home right away, recovery would be quick and easy and breastfeeding and cloth diapering would be a breeze.

It was such a sweet dream! And things were going so smoothly -I never even got morning sickness! But at the beginning of the third trimester my blood pressure went way up and they could no longer handle me at the birthing center because they were worried about preeclampsia. I had to transfer my care to a hospital so I started seeing the midwife team there. I was able to keep my blood pressure fairly low (in the borderline range instead of high) with lots of rest and a healthy diet. The midwives and I thought I’d still be able to do a natural birth. I had had two panic attacks just thinking about the possibility of an epidural or c-section, so I was thrilled!

But at 35 weeks my blood pressure went sky high again. They had to put me on medication to bring it down and they scheduled me for an induction at 37 weeks 5 days. The reason high blood pressure is so dangerous in pregnancy is because the blood flow isn’t able to get to the placenta and to the baby as well and it can lead to preeclampsia which causes problems with the mom’s liver and kidneys and can cause seizures which can be fatal for the mom. A little over a week before my induction my blood pressure rose again and my blood and urine test results were now showing more signs of preeclampsia. They decided it wouldn’t be safe to let me go home. They kept me at the hospital and started the process to induce me. My husband and kids were at a family reunion in Park City so I had to call them and tell them to come home early (I had driven myself to the hospital).

It was Sunday morning when I came in (36 weeks 4 days). They gave me Cytotec to soften my cervix since my body wasn’t quite ready for giving birth yet. After 4 doses, my cervix had softened but still was only dilated to a 1. Sunday night they put a balloon in my cervix to help it open up more-that was uncomfortable! By Monday morning the balloon came out and I was dilated to a 5 so they started me on Pitocin to get my contractions going. We had done a Hypnobabies home study course so I was using self hypnosis to stay relaxed and calm during labor and it was working great! Devan thought I was sleeping through the contractions.

Sometime on Monday my water broke. The nurses didn’t believe me until the midwife did the next cervical exam and confirmed that I was right. Contractions continued but I wasn’t really progressing. The midwife suggested I get up and sit on the birthing ball for a while and go for a walk as well. It was so nice to get out of bed! But when I came back, my blood pressure had gone sky high again. They were worried about seizures so they put me on Magnesium Sulfate through my IV. It was horrible! The second it started flowing into me I felt like my whole body was on fire -I was so hot! They also had to put in a catheter because they have to monitor the urine output closely when you’re on the mag.

At this point, they were still calling it an unmedicated birth, which I thought was hysterical because I had been given several medications. They talked to me about an epidural because they said it can lower blood pressure, but I told them no. I have a serious phobia of needles and was having a hard enough time with the IV and the frequent blood draws, I definitely couldn’t handle an epidural. The pain wasn’t bad for me, thanks to the self hypnosis, and I was sure it wouldn’t help my blood pressure unless it also numbed my brain. I told them the only thing that scared me more than a c-section was an epidural.

Labor continued, but I wasn’t progressing much and my baby’s heart rate started to drop after every contraction. They put me on oxygen to see if that would help and they kept moving me to different positions to see if they could get his heart rate to stay up. Nothing worked so they told me I would need a c-section for my baby’s safety. I was devastated and terrified! But I didn’t want to take any chances so I agreed to it.

They took me off the Pitocin to stop the labor so Darius’ heart rate could go back to normal before the surgery. About an hour and a half later, they came and got me for surgery prep. They had to give me an epidural first to numb me for surgery. It was awful! I could feel it going in and it hurt! Then everything went numb and I could no longer control my own body. They put me on the table for surgery and I felt like I was going to vomit so Devan had to hold a barf bag by my mouth and an alcohol wipe by my nose so I couldn’t smell anything. My upper body was shaking so bad through the whole surgery that my arms were falling off the table.

Darius was born at 12:18 Tuesday morning (July 28) at 37 weeks 6 days gestation. He was 4 lbs. 13 oz. and 19 inches long. He was beautiful and perfect and so small! We struggled with breastfeeding that first day because I was still so out of it from the magnesium (you have to stay on it for 24 hours after birth) and because he was so small. He wasn’t eating so his glucose levels were too low and he ended up in the NICU. The first time I went down to visit him, Devan pushed me in a wheelchair but he had to head home to take care of our other kids after that so I walked from then on rather than worrying about having a nurse wheel me down. And I wasn’t taking anything other than Motrin for the pain, so you can imagine how slow I had to walk.

Since nothing else had gone right, I was determined to make breastfeeding work. I walked down to the NICU every three hours (I skipped one feeding at night) and I breast fed even though he wasn’t eating and I pumped even though nothing was coming out. By the end of the week, I was producing milk, he was eating and had been taken off the IV and he only had to stay at the hospital for one day without me.

It’s been rough taking care of a newborn while recovering from a c-section, but it hasn’t been that bad. I have help from my wonderful husband, my kids, and friends and family. The hardest thing has been dealing with it emotionally. I’m definitely not less afraid of doctors and needles and surgery after my experience. If anything, I’m more scared. I haven’t even been able to look at my incision yet. I’m not worried about a scar, I just can’t stand to think of someone cutting into me and pulling things out of me. And I feel like a failure -I know that I’m not, but it feels like I am. I’d been looking forward to child birth and planning it for so long, but when it came right down to it, my body wasn’t able to do what it was supposed to do. I wonder if there is anything I could have done to prevent all the complications, I feel guilty that my baby is so small and that my body wasn’t able to give him what he needed, and I feel like it’s my fault that he ended up in the NICU.

I know that all of those thoughts are a bit irrational, but I just had a baby and it’s hard to be rational. But then I look at my sweet Darius and for at least a moment, none of that matters. I’m amazed that this perfect baby boy came from my body -and we both made it through. I’m so grateful to be a part of creating life! It is such a miracle no matter how it happens. And, at least the cloth diapering is going well. 😉

The Miracle of Adoption

Tags

adoption, foster care

It has been a long time since I’ve blogged. Last time I wrote about the heartbreaking experience of saying goodbye to the two girls in foster care who were living with us. Now we have two wonderful children who we were able to adopt and a beautiful baby boy who I just gave birth to three weeks ago. We’ve been through a lot of changes and it has been tough but so worth it. I love our little family and I can’t wait to tell you about it. And now that I’m sitting at home recovering from a C-section, I have time to sit down and blog. That’s one nice thing about not being allowed to do the cleaning. 🙂

These are our kids. Aren’t they adorable? Shortly after we had to say goodbye to our girls, I got a facebook message from one of my cousins. There was a family in her ward who was looking for a family to adopt their kids. Their grandma had adopted them several years before but was unable to continue to take care of them. It was time for her to become Grandma again instead of Mom. We talked with their grandma and scheduled a time to meet Olivia and Joziah. We got to hang out with them for a few hours one weekend and then we had them come stay at our house over Easter weekend. Then we met their caseworker and before we knew it, they were moving in with us.

Olivia is very loving towards her parents but is hesitant to give hugs to others. She absolutely adores animals and small children and is the best little caretaker when given the opportunity. She’s a bit of a tomboy, which I love. I was nervous to have a girl and thought I’d have to do hair and paint nails and buy princess things. Turns out I don’t have to do any of that, in fact, she’d be very upset if I tried. She also LOVES softball and Michael Jackson. Thanks to her grandma and aunt for teaching her to like good music. 🙂 She is also very smart and likes to get straight A’s in school to earn a trip to Leatherby’s for ice cream.

Joziah is very loving towards absolutely everyone. He loves to do anything that is fun and exciting. He has a ton of energy and recently ran his first 5K and won third place for male child. He also loves climbing things -poles, hills, trees, etc… He is very smart and is quite proud of the fact that he got put in the advanced class this year in school. He wants to join the army someday like his dad and he loves anything that is camo or has planes or tanks or guns on it. He also loves ABBA and Michael Jackson (especially dancing to Michael Jackson). Once again, thanks to his grandma and aunt for teaching him to like good music.

On November 12, 2014 the adoption was finalized and they became ours legally. On November 29, 2014 we were sealed in the temple and they became ours forever. They are our kids. We’ve loved these kids since the day we first heard about them and we only love them more each day that we get to spend time with them. Of course it isn’t always easy, parenting never is, but it is definitely worth it!

Foster Care: Saying Goodbye

Tags

foster care

A little over a month ago we got our first foster care placement. We have never had biological children so I don’t know what it’s like. People say there’s nothing like the love you feel the first time you hold your baby in your arms. I’m sure it’s incredible. But you know what else is incredible? The love I felt when I found out that two girls, who had been through more than any children should have to go through, would be joining our home. I knew I loved them before I even met them.

We knew that they may only be staying with us temporarily. We knew that reunification with the biological parents was always the goal, if possible. We knew that there was a possibility the state would find other biological family to send them with. We knew that we would be heartbroken if we loved these girls and then we had to say goodbye. But none of that mattered. We knew that regardless of how long they’d be with us, these girls had the right to be completely and unconditionally loved by the adults who were taking care of them.

When we chose to have them come into our home, we chose to love them. And as we got to know them and understand them over the next few weeks, we came to love them even more. And now we’ve had to say goodbye. They will be living with some of their relatives who we’ve met briefly. They seem nice. But in our hearts these girls are part of our family and they always will and yet, we don’t even know when or if we’ll see them again. It is devastating and my heart is definitely broken.

So, was it worth it? Most definitely! I would never give up the experiences we had with the girls just to spare me some heartache. Sometimes I think this foster care thing will get easier. But I don’t think it will and I don’t really want it to. I think my heart is supposed to break every time I have to say goodbye or I’m not doing what I set out to do.

Gluten Free Wraps (Dairy Free Too!)

Tags

dairy free, Eleanor's Bake Shop, gluten free, wraps

I’m blogging over at Eleanor’s Bake Shop today. The photos above are what my husband and I had for dinner last night. Doesn’t it look delicious? And it was gluten free and dairy free as well! At least mine was -my husband poured crema on his dinner wrap and whipped cream on his dessert wrap but that’s definitely optional. 🙂 Visit my post at Eleanor’s for the recipe.

Embracing Variety & Strawberry Basil Salad

Tags

basil, dairy free, gluten free, strawberries, strawberry basil salad

I recently read a book called French Women Don’t Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano. I didn’t necessarily agree with everything in the book but I did enjoy it and it has definitely inspired me to get more creative with my diet. This post is not a book review so I’m not going to be summarizing the whole book for you -I’m just going to share a couple of ideas from the book that I really thought were awesome.

One thing she talks about is that French women eat small portions of many things that are fresh, natural, and full of flavor. She suggests trying different spices or herbs with a familiar dish to mix things up a bit or preparing a fruit or vegetable in a way you don’t normally do -but to keep it simple. Having a variety of delicious, satisfying food that is easy to prepare allows you to more easily maintain a healthy weight or lose weight without feeling like you’re depriving yourself.

Today I’m guest posting on my amazing cousin Ashlee’s blog: I’ll Love You Forever. To read the rest of my post and to get my Strawberry Basil Salad recipe, click here.

Grief and Loss and Trusting in the Lord

Tags

infertility, miscarriage, trust in God

This past week has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. All my life I have wanted to be a mom of 6-8 kids but my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 5 years now with no luck. It has been difficult, but most of the time I’m ok. I’ve accepted the fact that my life isn’t going to turn out the way I’d always envisioned it. I know that God loves me and has a different plan for me and I have faith that it will be better for me in the long run than any plan I could come up with on my own. But every once in a while someone will say something or I’ll see something that reminds me of the life I wish I was living and I can’t stop the tears from flowing. But the tears eventually stop and I’m ok again and I realize what a wonderful life I do have. I have an amazing husband who absolutely adores me and I have a wonderful family including 16 nieces and nephews who love us both -they like Devan better, but who doesn’t? 🙂

But no matter how accepting I am of the direction my life is going, it still hurts my heart whenever that time of the month comes and I know for sure that I’m not pregnant. But it didn’t come this time and I started to experience things that could be considered pregnancy symptoms. Of course I was excited but I still didn’t know for sure and I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed once again. And then the worst happened. I’ve always said that as hard as it is to not be able to get pregnant, I’d prefer that over having a miscarriage. And now I know what that’s like too.

My emotions have been all over the place. Sometimes I feel despair thinking that this might have been my only chance. Other times I wonder why this had to happen to me -it’s hard enough dealing with infertility, why do I have to be blessed with a pregnancy only to have the baby taken away from me? There are times I feel guilty for feeling as bad as I do because others have more difficult trials and times I feel guilty for not feeling worse about it. And then sometimes I feel full of hope -maybe this means that it’s possible for me to get pregnant and it will happen again someday.

There’s a hymn that I absolutely love that has helped me make it through many trials. How Firm a Foundation has seven verses and a different verse is my favorite depending on what I’m going through. Right now verse four has special meaning to me.

“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,

And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.”

No matter how I’m feeling, I am so grateful for the peace that comes when I pray and ask the Lord for help. He knows exactly what I’m going through and He can and will and does help me. I don’t know what His plan is or what His timing is like for me but I want to trust Him because I feel so much better when I do.

Thanks for reading! It’s kind of an awkward thing to talk about but I don’t like to bottle up my emotions until I’m ready to explode. I used to do that all the time and it was awful! It is therapeutic for me to talk things out so that I can understand my own thoughts and feelings better. And with topics like this it is so much easier to write about than talk about because it’s too hard to talk about it without crying.

Lemon Curd Pudding with Roasted Strawberries (Gluten Free, Dairy Free)

Tags

canned coconut milk, dairy free, dessert, gluten free, lemon curd, lemon pudding, roasted strawberries, virgin coconut oil

Doesn’t that look delicious? It is! It is my new favorite dessert and it gets devoured every time I make it. The only way you won’t like this dessert is if you hate lemons or strawberries and if that’s the case, I really do feel sad for you.

This recipe came about because I made some Lemon Curd to fill some thumbprint cookies and I ended up having extra curd so I thinned it out a bit (and made it creamier) with a small amount of coconut milk. It was delicious! Then I decided to try roasting strawberries because I had never done it before and I was curious. Well, the strawberries turned out great -roasting them really brings out their sweetness and color. And they were amazing as a topping for my Lemon Curd Pudding. 🙂

Lemon Curd Pudding

1/2 c. – 3/4 c. honey*

2 T. cornstarch

3 tsp. lemon zest (or 1 drop doTerra Lemon essential oil)

6 T. lemon juice

6 T. water

6 egg yolks, beaten

1/4 c. virgin coconut oil

1/4 c. – 1/3 c. canned coconut milk

In a saucepan stir together cornstarch, lemon zest (if using essential oil -don’t add until the end), lemon juice, and water. Cook and stir over medium heat until thickened and bubbly. Stir half the lemon mixture into the egg yolks. Return egg mixture to the saucepan. Cook, stirring constantly, over medium heat until mixture comes to a gentle boil. Cook and stir for 2 more minutes. Remove from heat. Add coconut oil and stir until melted and fully incorporated. Pour into a glass bowl, put a lid on and place in the fridge until cool. When curd has cooled add coconut milk (until desired consistency has been reached) and lemon essential oil (if using).

Roasted Strawberries

1 lb. strawberries, hulled and quartered

2 T. coconut oil, melted

dash of salt

Preheat oven to 350. Place strawberries on a cookie sheet and drizzle with coconut oil and sprinkle the salt on. Stir strawberries with spatula until fully coated. Spread them out evenly on the pan and bake for 25-30 minutes. Top your Lemon Curd Pudding with the Roasted Strawberries and enjoy!

Convincing Myself Not To Quit

Tags

c25k, healthy lifestyle

Whenever I set out to do something that’s really hard for me, one of two things happens. Either I convince myself to give up because it’s hard or I push past that mental block and succeed. Today I was finally able to get past a huge mental block that I had put up and I learned a lot about myself in the process.

Those of you who know me well know that I am not a runner. I have always hated running. Even when I’m living a more active lifestyle, running is not part of it. There are always many other forms of physical activity that are way more enjoyable that I choose to do instead. But, I have always kind of wanted to run an entire 5K (runners –please don’t laugh –a 5K is super long for a running-hater!) just to prove to myself that I can. My in-laws are awesome and many of us in the family are on a journey to living a more healthy lifestyle so some of us decided it would be fun (or just a good experience for those of us who think running can never be fun :)) to do a 5K together.

It’s important to know that prior to my training for this 5K we’re planning I had never run more than a mile outside with no walking. And I’ve only done that once. In school whenever I had to run the mile I would only run portions of it. I have run up to 2 miles on a treadmill but that doesn’t really count in my mind. So I decided I needed to slowly work up to running a 5K. My sister-in-law told me about an app C25K (Couch to 5K) and it sounded like just what I needed so I downloaded it.

The app consists of eight weeks of training and you train three days a week. It starts out really simple with a 5 minute warm-up walk and then alternating 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes and then a 5 minute cool-down walk. Each week gets progressively harder with more jogging and less walking until you finally run a 5K at the end of week eight.

I started using the app on May 8^th and trained pretty consistently for the first four weeks. Then week five hit and on day three of week five you’re supposed to jog for 20 minutes with no walking. I finished day one and two of week five with no problem but for some reason I was scared to attempt the full 20 minutes. I didn’t think I could do it so I just didn’t try for a while. A few days later I convinced myself that I was acting crazy –I could definitely do it –so I went running with my wonderful husband to finally do the 20 minutes and I failed miserably. I ran for 11 minutes and my legs were killing me and breathing was difficult so I just stopped. I didn’t even finish out the 20 minutes with walking. I just stopped and headed back to the car and went home.

I felt terrible for quitting! I planned to go running with Devan again soon and I made him promise to really push me so I could get it done. But more important things kept popping up that conveniently took up all of our running time so we didn’t end up going. And because I was scared of failing again, not only did I not run the 20 minutes, but I didn’t go running at all. And I know it’s not really a physical thing –my body is perfectly capable of running for 20 minutes straight, my mind is where the real problem is.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the reason I failed that one time I tried and the reason I put it off for so long and I think I have it figured out. When I’m scared of doing something difficult because I’ve never done it before and because I know it’s going to be hard, I tend to put off doing it at all because I’m afraid if I try then I’ll fail, and I hate failing! I convince myself that if I don’t try then I don’t have to fail and I try not to think about the fact that giving up on my goal is just another way of failing. Finally that gets to me and I convince myself that I’m being ridiculous. I’m strong enough, I’m good enough, I can do this, etc . . . I convince myself that it won’t be near as hard as I imagined and I’m sure that I can do it with no problem. So then I finally try and it ends up being super hard and I’m not mentally ready for it since I just spent a week convincing myself that it will be easy. I was wrong –it’s not easy –so I give up.

Today I finally decided to change my way of thinking about failure. I decided to go running knowing that I might not make it for the full 20 minutes. I decided that was ok because even if I didn’t make it for the full time, at least I did something. I told myself that I just needed to do my best –whatever I was able to do would just make it a little bit easier to do more the next time. I told myself that it was going to be hard but that I was capable of doing hard things and even if I wasn’t able to do as much as I wanted to, I knew that I was at least capable of doing more than I did last time.

Guess what? I jogged the entire 20 minutes. I was no longer afraid of failure and I acknowledged to myself that it was going to be super hard so I was prepared when I wanted to give up and I was able to talk myself into continuing through the pain.

I hope I’m able to remember this lesson I learned about myself and I hope I’m able to apply it in other areas of my life as well. I can see the same procrastination/failure/quitting pattern in so many aspects of my life. It’s important for me to know that it’s ok to mess up. It’s not ideal, but it happens to everyone sometimes and there are ways of fixing mistakes or getting past them so I can move on. I don’t have to do the same things I’ve always done because “that’s just who I am”. My actions don’t define who I am –I am a daughter of God and I have infinite worth just like everyone else does. I am capable of so much and as long as I keep on trying, I can do better today than I did yesterday. With God’s help I really can do anything but I have to stop demanding perfection and beating myself up when I fall short.

Making an effort and falling short of perfection isn’t failure –it is progress.

Photography: Senior Pictures

Tags

photography, senior pictures

I really enjoy photography but with my full-time job, the family bake shop, and everything else that’s going on in my life, I haven’t really had much time for photography. But my youngest sister Jessica is a senior this year and she asked me to take her senior pictures. We both had a lot of fun and I think they turned out great. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I was excited when her friend Rebekah decided to ask me to take her senior pictures as well. I felt like I had learned quite a bit when I did Jessica’s pictures and was excited to practice what I learned and to learn even more. I have to say that I’m super grateful for pinterest –there’s a ton of photography tips that I found that were an enormous help. Of course, the photos aren’t perfect and I still have a lot to learn, but I’m pretty happy with how they turned out. It doesn’t hurt that both Jessica and Rebekah look great in pictures. 🙂

 

Guacamole Bacon Deviled Eggs

Tags

deviled eggs, gluten free, hard boiled eggs

Yesterday was an awesome day! My father-in-law graduated -Devan and I weren’t able to make it to the graduation because Devan had drill and I had to work at the bakery and go to a cooking class that I had already paid for. But, we were able to hang out with the family afterwards. We had a potluck and I chose to bring Guacamole Bacon Deviled Eggs. I had seen them on pinterest from this source. They looked delicious and I had to try them. Mine don’t look as pretty but I have never been good at making things look fancy so I didn’t expect anything different. 🙂

This guy’s recipe is a little different than mine -he made his guacamole from scratch. Normally that is what I would do too but I was short on time and it takes me forever to peel hard-boiled eggs so I decided to take a shortcut and buy the guacamole pre-made. Here’s my recipe.

Guacamole Bacon Deviled Eggs

Ingredients:

12 hard-boiled eggs, cooled, peeled, and cut in half

1 package Wholly Guacamole (Classic flavor)

2 T. pico de gallo

1 tsp. lime juice

Salt, to taste

Chipotle Chili Powder, to taste

Bacon, cooked and crumbled

Directions:

Scoop the yolk out of the eggs into a bowl. Add the guacamole a little at a time and mix until you get the texture that you want. You probably won’t need the whole package -I used the whole package but I also used 25 eggs. Add the salsa, lime juice, salt, and chipotle chili powder (the measurements for these don’t need to be specific -it all depends on your preferences). Mix everything together and spoon the mixture into each egg. Top with bacon. Enjoy!

Also, yesterday was International Star Wars Day -“May the 4th be with you!” -so we celebrated by using this awesome Star Wars platter to serve the eggs on. I just had to add that in there because Devan was really excited and wanted me to add it to my post. 🙂